


From now on, save you.

by seiauton



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash has his own demons, Don't copy to another site, Eiji deals with what happened at Golzine's, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Nothing explicit, Past Rape/Non-con, They both need a Hug, Trauma, soft touches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seiauton/pseuds/seiauton
Summary: Ash isn't the only one who suffers from nightmares.





	From now on, save you.

**Author's Note:**

> Eiji went through a lot, even though he doesn't really show it. It made me wonder how he copes and whether or not Ash is aware of it. This is set some time after that horrific scene where Eiji is tied to Golzine's bed. After the rescue.

When Ash startled awake at night, Eiji usually knew about it. 

Sometimes, he lay awake until he found that Ash had drifted off into slumber, to listen to his breathing and whether he shifted position frequently. 

Those things were tells, often. There was no way to know for sure, but Eiji liked to think they gave him a good idea about whether he would be woken by Ash later that night. After all, Ash's nightmares were seldom calm but rather fitful and biting. They prompted grunts and mumbled words to press past Ash's lips, and occasionally they would culminate into a scream that tore from him the moment he sprung up. Then, he would sit there, heaving and shaking as he rode out the vibrant images of whatever he had seen in his dream.

It didn't happen every night, but it happened too often.

For Eiji, it was different. He didn't usually suffer from nightmares, and he figured it made sense that he didn't. Since coming to America, he had seen rather horrific crimes, had seen people die in front of him, had been kidnapped and held captive not once but several times. But, through all this, he had never truly feared death himself. 

Maybe Eiji was too trusting, but he couldn't bring himself to not trust in Ash. No matter what, he would be there, trying to save him. Trusting Ash was never a mistake.

But, not even Ash could protect Eiji fully from the world. Eiji had experienced things he tried not to think about. He wanted to pretend they didn't happen, also for Ash's sake.

After all, hurting Ash had been Dino's intention all along. Arthur's, too. And, they had succeeded, making Ash kill his best friend to save Eiji's life. That memory, in particular, was lodged deeply into Eiji's mind. 

But even so, it wasn't what Eiji kept a secret from Ash. There was no need, given they had both been very present in that moment. They could talk about it when they felt the need.

No, what Eiji wanted to keep from him was that, if it weren't for Ash arriving when he had, Eiji would have been raped. That thought, that fact, must never reach Ash. Eiji vowed to take this secret to his grave. 

But that, keeping it secret, refusing to share what had happened, made the moment a frequent subject matter of his nightmares. 

He would relive how Jut-Lung tied him to the bed and removed his clothes. He would hear himself shout in protest and feel the rope cutting into his wrists as he struggled, still feeling foreign in his own body as a result of the paralysis. Yut-Lung would ignore him, frown at him. He would continue until Eiji was fully bare before him, helpless and naked in every sense of the word. Yut-Lung would pull up the blanket to cover Eiji's crotch before undressing himself.

And then, as soon as they both were readied, Dino would come in. 

Not much had happened, but it was enough to haunt Eiji for what he assumed would be the rest of his life. He remembered how Dino had undressed too, how Jut-Lung had positioned himself on the bed in a manner Eiji could call nothing less than seductive. 

Eiji had been unable to look away from what was happening. Later, he thought he must have been scared of not knowing, of not seeing whether someone was coming close to touch or hurt. 

Dino had looked at Jut-Lung first, but he had also looked at Eiji. That exploring gaze, those eyes, made Eiji freeze and clench up whenever he thought of them. It was a look that Ash must have experienced many times before; calculating, assessing, burning.

Eiji had felt not like a person then. He had wanted to run, but his body had frozen up.

All in all, the eye contact could not have lasted for more than a second. To Eiji, it was as though he was still feeling it, as though it had marked him. His body was ice, unfeeling, while his insides screamed.

This was usually what woke him, and he would lay completely still. He was different from Ash in that way, who would toss and turn and jump. Eiji never moved after waking. He opened his eyes and stared into the darkness, feeling horror wash down his spine like needles pricking his skin. He would be unable to breathe. Slowly, very slowly, he would battle to regain control over his body, as soon as the images vanished from behind his unseeing eyes.

He never woke Ash, not even once.

But, one time, it just so happened that Ash was already awake.

When Eiji woke, the first thing he heard was shaky breaths, choked out sobs. The sounds mixed with the remnants of his dream, like a cruel addition to the already horrifying imagery. 

Eiji recognized Ash's voice, saw Ash with him in Dino's bedroom. It was Ash who undressed him instead of Jut-Lung, but he didn't frown. Instead, he was crying. 

“Eiji?”

Eiji forced himself to take a deep breath, his whole body shaking as he did. Snap out of it. He couldn't allow himself to dwell on this. He knew he was awake now. And, more importantly, Ash was realizing that something was wrong. 

Ash's voice was worried, for him, even as Ash was crying.

Eiji covered his face with his hand, feeling his cold fingers against his wet and heated skin. He was crying too. Calm down. Calm down, calm down, calm--

“Eiji, are you--” Ash touched his shoulder.

Eiji jumped. “ _Don't touch--!_ ”

He had yelled in Japanese. Even so, Ash pulled back as though he'd been burned. 

Eiji lay on his side, propped up on his elbow.

Ash stared at him. It was a painful stare, but it was kind, worried, … hurt. Eiji breathed heavily, heart throbbing. He clenched his fingers around the sweat-soaked bed sheet before averting his gaze. Ash hadn't moved at all.

“Sorry,” Eiji breathed out. He felt nothing as he did, suddenly numb.

He forced himself to sit up properly.

“Eiji, what--”

“Bad dream,” Eiji interrupted, again, trying a smile. “Like you.”

Ash tensed up, sat down on the edge of Eiji's bed. He didn't attempt to touch again.

He was looking a mess, his hair disheveled and face wet from crying. Eiji didn't dare look at his eyes too long in fear Ash would see what Eiji's dream had been about. And yet, the moment he did, it was hard to look away. Eiji wanted to wipe the tears away. Instead, he wiped at his own.

“About me?” Ash asked. His voice was more collected but detached.

Eiji shook his head. “No, it's fine.” He still felt the tenseness of his muscles, the soft ache as they slowly unclenched. Focus on Ash, he told himself. 

Eiji reached out, hesitating slightly to give Ash the chance to stop him if he wanted. He didn't, allowing Eiji to wipe at his cheeks after all. Ash grabbed his hand as he did, gently, carefully, and held it there. Eiji caressed the skin. Ash's cheeks were so warm.

“Will you tell me?” Ash asked. 

Eiji smiled, sadly. “It's not important.”

“You didn't want me to touch you.”

But they were touching now, Eiji thought. He brought up his other hand to prove a point, gently brushing over Ash's brow to get rid of the frown. Ash's warmth was soothing, calming. It helped Eiji.

“Eiji,” Ash said again. “You were acting like---”

 _Like you._

Eiji understood now the mistake he had made earlier. His phrasing had been sloppy.

Ash grip around his wrist tightened. It was almost painful, but Eiji gave no reaction.

“What happened? When you were at Dino's, did they--?”

Ash's voice rose as he spoke, and he leaned closer. Eiji didn't lean back.

“No,” he replied sternly. “Ash--”

“You were acting--”

“I know.”

“But they--”

Eiji forced his eyes shut, concentrating on the feeling of Ash's hand and cheek. When he opened them again, Ash was horribly pale. Eiji could see it even in the dark.

“They tried,” he said. “To hurt you by hurting me.”

Ash was crying again, shaking.

Eiji brushed through Ash's hair with his free hand. “But they didn't succeed. You came in time. You saved me.”

Eiji too felt more tears, pushing against his eyes.

“You saved me, Ash.”

Time and time again, Ash was there when he needed him most.


End file.
